FAME HOOKER †

351.

it’s been 2 weeks since we had our little talk. I’ve already set my limit, and I have 351 days left. you have 351 days left. I still dream of you. almost every time I wake up, I remember seeing your face in my dreams. I know you’ve already told me to stop being distant and try to have our normal relationship back to how it was before, but I don’t exactly know how to do that. maybe because I have finally realized how I truly feel about you. you’re not just a friend to me anymore, and I guess you already know that. so how do you expect me to act like you’re just some other guy to me? in a few hours, it’s gonna be March. and in a few days, I’m turning another year older. I’m wishing that we could just spend the whole day together. that’s the only thing I really want right now. but I know only a miracle could make that possible, so I’ll just hold on to the 351 days left. maybe one day, it could finally be you and me.

but at the end of the day, the ones I lay my eyes upon are still just distractions. it’ll always be you.. and there’s nothing I can do.

you always get mad at me. you always yell at me. you always say things that hurt me. fuck you. I’ve done everything I’ve cried so much yet you’re still the one. every song I listen to, every poem I read, every quote I hear, it all leads to you. I’ve picked lyrics just to try and make you understand. but I don’t have the courage to send them. it’s all in my head, all these stupid thoughts that it’s gonna be you and me. I always tell myself to try and win your heart, but I’m too scared to lose you. I’d rather keep you in my heart although you’ve shattered it to a million pieces. I keep on wondering when I’ll make the first move. but all I can ever imagine is the rejection, and I’d prefer to love you even though you don’t feel the same way than hear you say to just stop and give up on you. the life I live now is nothing compared to the life I’ve had before. now it’s just you. and I know and I’ve admitted this since the very start, that I’d live my life for myself alone. but I guess you just had to let me eat those words and own my life. there’s no day where I don’t think of you, no night where I don’t dream of you. I don’t want to move on. I refuse to move on. it’s you. always was, always will be. I’m not a girl. even if I write a million letters, post a million blog posts, send thousands of gifts, cry gallons in front of you, I know you’ll never, ever feel the same way. but I still wish you would. I still hope you’d love me. and that’s just how stupid and desperate I am. I’m sorry, but I love you.

those two seconds….. felt like forever. everything was in slow motion. the moment I saw your face, I didn’t know what to do, what to feel.. I knew I had no escape. I didn’t expect that we’d see each other, it was a head-on collision. I didn’t even need glasses, there was no denying it was you. then and there, I recognized those eyes and knew they were yours, they sparkled in the dimly lit hallway. it was then I realized that I have come face to face with the last person I’d want to see, just right before you flashed that perfect smile.. the warm smile I’ve known for so long. since then, those two seconds have been endlessly replaying in my head.

so this is how being lonely feels. I guess I’ve reached the peak of being lonely.. the kind of lonely where no matter how many people surround you, the empty feeling still prevails. and it gets worse when I’m alone, especially at night, sitting in front of my computer, tweeting, doing assignments, whatever. I just feel so alone.. and the loneliness makes me wish to be someone else. someone bitter perhaps, so that I’d be too busy thinking about other people’s lives and look for everything negative about them. but unfortunately, I’m not. emptiness is everything I have in me right now, if that makes sense at all. I just feel so distant from everybody else, I can’t even sleep at night thinking about how I reached this level of loneliness. I have no one to talk to about anything, about everything. my best friend’s too busy with school work, and I understand that she dreams of becoming a doctor someday, and I wouldn’t want to be the cause of her not being able to do well in her studies. I know I should focus on my studies too, I do. still, the loneliness doesn’t go away. my other best friend, the one I’m in constant communication with right now, is in a relationship. but no matter how hard I try to be happy for him, the relationship he’s in only reminds me of my loneliness.. makes me realize that I have no special attachment to someone in a special way. these thoughts eat me up and make me think about all sorts of negative things about myself and it drives me crazy. and now, I feel so insecure. not that I only have two friends, but still… the others have other friends themselves and I understand I’m not really their default companion, unlike the relationship I have with my two best friends. when thinking about reaching out to my family, I realize I’ve always been distant from them. I’m a lot closer with my two best friends. now that they’re busy with their own lives, the loneliness seems to worsen as each night passes by. I feel like I’m lost. the loneliness I feel is so bad, even crying can’t help anymore. I’m just holding on to the tiny bit of hope that’s left in me. I know it’s in there.. but I don’t know how much longer I can bear.

I have never felt so lonely in my entire life. I can’t even cry anymore, guess I’ve already cried too much. now I just feel so alone.

although I only saw you from afar, the sight of you instantly made it hard for me to breathe. I felt my heart beat twice as fast as it normally should, and everything around me started to get blurry. I thought I was going to pass out. I left my friends and tried to walk as fast as I could. I wanted to, but I couldn’t look back, I was too scared to know if you were looking at me, but I was more afraid that you didn’t even notice me at all. although I wished that you haven’t seen me, I knew deep within me that it would hurt more if I was invisible to you. the moment I was sure that I was out of your sight and my friends caught up with me after walking away so fast, they told me you were looking at me even from far away as if you were waiting for me to look back. and that was when I started to feel the big lump in my throat. I could’ve looked you in the eyes then, and see right through you. I could’ve seen your face, the face that has been in my dreams every night since we last had a conversation. now I’m regretting and missing you even more. after all this time.

 
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