I need answers. but I don’t have questions either. idk if that makes sense. I don’t even know what makes sense anymore.
it’s been 5 months since I met you at the tennis court. for the past few weeks, I finally thought I was already starting to move on. I thought I was finally getting better. seeing your face online or hearing your name didn’t stir up any emotions inside me anymore. not until a few moments ago…… scrolling down, I came across a picture of you. it wasn’t a charming picture though, you had your silly expression on as usual. caught off guard, I felt a throbbing pain in my heart and my eyes started to flood with tears. I was at war with myself, I didn’t want to cry but the tears have already reached my cheeks. I’m still in shock. I still miss you. I still…. love you. remembering the limit I have set myself, I have 7 months left. perfect timing, it’s our exam week. now how am I gonna be able to prepare when you’re all I’m thinking about, yet again.
idk. I just want to die. then maybe people would care. should I kill myself? or just wish for death to take me in my sleep? sick of everything. don’t know who to trust anymore. don’t even know if I can still trust myself. I’m so lost.
I never thought I had to ever question who my real friends are…. because I was so sure of the people that I held close to my heart. but right now, I just feel so alone. after what happened, I never felt most of them reach out to me and it really makes me feel bad. I have always put them first, I have always tried to keep us together. but it seems like those efforts just seemed to go unnoticed. I can’t help but feel a little mad because of how ungrateful they all now seem to me. but idk. maybe I’m just overthinking. or maybe nobody really cares at all. maybe this situation is supposed to open my eyes that I was never of great value to them, even though they meant the world to me. I guess I shouldn’t have put them first in almost everything I do and plan because right now I feel that they only think about themselves. this might sound unfair but all I feel now is I’m the one who’s wronged. I’ve never thought of only myself ever since I met them. I always made sure that they were the ones that I would be sharing experiences with. but I guess that’s not the case with them. all the good intentions were for nothing. and that’s what hurts me the most.
"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends."
tang ina best friend mn unta tika unya ani anion ko nmo? why? is it because you knew the truth and decided to keep it to yourself? and then when I spoke such truth, you were too afraid to accept the fact na hndi m mtago ang alam m na totoo? na alam ko rn kng ano ang totoo? you know I never fake it. and fuck u for getting mad at me because I got mad at you. why? did I get mad at you when you got mad at me before when that guy treated me like shit? I didn’t. because I knew you care. so ngano karon bastuson ko nmo dghan kaayo kag g ingon na dle na mao. your words really cut me deeply. reading them at 2 fcking o’clock in the morning with no one else to talk to made me feel so fcking bad you don’t know a single thing. bkit, since when pa ba ak nag ka wlang pakialam syo? since when pa ak wlang karapatan mg react? wlang karapatan sabihan ka kng ano nsa isip ko? we’re supposed to stick together. and yet you managed to say such hurtful words. back off kc wla ak experience? wow the fuck with your experience ikaw na nkauyab. you don’t need my advice? I haven’t even told you to do anything at all. never told you to try and just get back with him. never told you to not break up but just cool off instead. I never told you what to do. I was just making you sure you knew how I really feel abt the situation. wa ko nag buot nmo. ngano? gsto ka malipay ko sa imo na dle mn jd ko lipay? then again, you know I’m anything but fake. I’m not mad at you. I’m just so hurt. never thought you could do this to me. gsto ka mkabalo? mas nkahilak pa ko tungod ani kaysa tungod atong isa. tang ina ka sakit jd kaayo grbe. unya gnina nag tx ko kay kailangan nkog kasturya kay wa ko kblo unsay buhaton kay prteng hilak ni nanay sa akong atubangan kay naay nahitabo sa among pamilya na pd. wa jd ka nireply. pasimple ra to akong tx pero that’s the way it is, olwa pasimple atong pg try sa pg fix sa atong mga away. pero gpa iral jd nimo imong way ka sense2 na kasuko. karon lipay na ka nga npasakitan jd ko nmo? mahurt ka sa tids kay wa ka gsurprise tong birthday nmo while unya ikaw active sa tnan lakaw nato? karon nahurt ko kay paspas kaayo ko mureply nmo ug muforgive nmo masking wa kay sorry2 unya ganina wa jd ka nireply. masking kabalo jd ka na maayo akong intention sa tnan akong gna pa bati nmo tnan akong gna ingon nmo. sakit grbe. abi nmog dle nko mpansin na imong mga pa tweet2 na lipay2 para lg ingnon na wa kay labot na nag away ta the other night? think again, I know your moves as well as you know mine. gsto m lg ng suporta? ak lg nag kontra? PUTANG INA. kung may naga suporta sayo dito sa lahat ng mga tao, AKO YUN. TANG INA KA DON’T YOU DARE TALK TO ME ABOUT SUPPORT KC WHATEVER HAPPENED OR HAPPENS AK JD ANG MUSUPPORT NMO SO DON’T GO FCKING AROUND SAYING HNDI KTA GSUPPORT BECAUSE THAT’S UNFAIR KC KNG MAY PAGKUKULANG AKO I’M PRETTY SURE DLE SUPPORT KAY NANOBRA AKONG SUPPORT. won’t expect you to apologize. you never do. but I hope this time you make an exception. because right now, it’s all that I’m asking for. I’m not gonna be the one who’s saying sorry. I’m not apologizing for being real. I’m not saying sorry for caring.